The NJ Environmentalist Manifesto
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T H E N E W J E R S E Y
E N V I R O N M E N T A L I S T M A N I F E S T O
The following Eight Point Manifesto has been developed by the
environmentalists of New Jersey to help maintain the quality of life here
in the Garden Apartment State. Due to our constant vigilance and deep
concern, we no longer have problems like the endangerment of the Spotted
Owl and the Salmon. In fact, we don't have any birds or fish to give us
problems at all. New residents should memorize this Manifesto and put it
into practice in their daily lives.
1. Litter: The New Jersey Environmentalist throws it out his car
window, whereupon it becomes someone else's problem.
(And who cares about them, anyway?) After all, you'd
have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get to a trash can.
2. Open Space: Found inside malls. The really big ones, of course.
Building malls is a good way to conserve space that
would otherwise go to waste in some useless woods or
farm.
3. Fresh Air: Comes from central air conditioning. Best if kept at
64 degrees F or below. It's normal to wear sweaters in
the middle of a heat wave. The New Jersey
Environmentalist keeps all windows tightly closed at
all times, so that the Fresh Air is not contaminated
by anything from The Outdoors (see below.)
4. The Outdoors:
This is the space you have to _walk_ through (EECH!)
to get from the air-conditioned buildings to the
air-conditioned car. That is, unless the car is in an
air-conditioned parking deck. The true New Jersey
Environmentalist supports the latter, because then
he's always inside in the Fresh Air.
5. Plants: The New Jersey Environmentalist realizes the need for
plants. Plants have two uses, depending on their size.
The little ones are useful for spraying with ChemLawn.
(Make sure your children stay inside in the Fresh Air
after you have done this.) The big ones (i.e. trees)
should be cut down to make room for more strip malls,
to conserve Open Space.
6. Energy: The New Jersey Environmentalist conserves his energy
by driving everywhere he has to go, and many places he
doesn't. Otherwise, he'd have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get
places. It's dangerous walking in The Outdoors,
because there are so many cars there. The bigger your
car is, the better, because there's more Open Space
and Fresh Air inside.
7. Recycling: Why bother? Nobody else does. New Jersey residents
don't want a bottle bill, because it would
inconvenience everybody and result in over six layoffs
in the bottle industry around Glassboro. The New Jersey
Environmentalist recycles his garbage, old tires, and
dead refrigerators by converting them into Litter (see
above).
8. Wetlands: This usually means the Shore, where they've gotten rid
of a lot of yucky marshes to build beautiful condos
and strip malls. Every Friday, the New Jersey
Environmentalist joins the traffic jam on the way to
the Shore, so that he can have more time in the Fresh
Air inside his car. He does the same thing on Sunday,
but this time in the opposite direction. Once at the
Shore, the New Jersey Environmentalist NEVER goes
Outdoors, since the Freon from the air conditioners has
destroyed the ozone layer and he'd get skin cancer.
If you must go outside, remember that the proper way to
enjoy the environment is to do so on one square yard
of sand, along with half a million other New Jersey
Environmentalists and their boom boxes. Watch out for
the syringes, and maybe you can collect a few New
Jersey Beach Whistles (Discarded tampon applicators).
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